Eulogy for My Dead Fish

Following the sad death of Captain Blub Blub Lazerfist, it is my humble honor to recall the events of his life and early passing. In these dark times let us not forget the courage and valor Blub Blub was known for and live out our lives to honor his.

Lazerfist's ship the Sassy Lady

Blub Blub Lazerfist was born to Finn and Jocelyn Lazerfist on a small kelp farm. Lazerfist grew up happy and became a cadet of the Royal Space Navy as soon as he could. The top of his class, Lazerfist was quickly promoted. His skills with a blaster and as a pilot quickly awarded him command of his own ship and crew. Blub Blub Lazerfist served bravely in both the Feline wars of 2256 and the Neoarcadian Conflict of 2264 and on a return trip home from duty in the tiny plastic castle nebula, Lazerfist and his crew were captured by a band of slavers. Lazerfist remained vigilant and in a daring escape attempt inadvertently opened a temporal rift with the slave ship’s warp drive.

Lazerfist found himself in the year 2010 trapped as a prize in a game for creatures much larger than he, ones that didn’t require water to breathe and tread on the ground rather than floating through space. Lazerfist was trapped in a large glass tank with plenty of other fish, hoping one day to escape his translucent prison. His wishes were granted when one of the “humans” was victorious in the sick little game for his life. This “human” defied all Lazerfist’s prior knowledge of the species, with a kind heart and an extremely handsome physique.

Mao Zedong...the dictator not the fish

Lazerfist was carried into the “human’s” home who he had come to know has Collin. Collin placed Lazerfist in a bowl with another fish by the name of Mao Zedong. Mao told Lazerfist great tales of his namesake that seemed a little skewed and kinda llike communist propaganda. Theirs was a friendship like none other, and the two lived happily in their bowl.

Life for the pair was simple until one day Lazerfist fell ill. Stricken with some malady picked up in his travel through time Lazerfist began what would be the fight for his life. Collin found Lazerfist floating on his side and proclaimed him KIA, but after further inspection he found he was still gripping to life. Thus began the rush to save Lazerfist. Collin quickly placed Lazerfist in a clean bowl of water and held him upright so he could breathe. This process went on for hours and Lazerfist seemed to recover.

After days of hard fighting with Lazer fists true to his name, Captain Blub Blub Lazerfist passed peacefully in his creepy open eyed sleep. Per Collin’s request Lazerfist was promoted to Admiral and awarded the Medal of Honor. He is survived by his long time friend and comrade Mao Zedong. Admiral Blub Blub Lazerfist was committed to the stars on a funeral pyre in a quiet ceremony among friends. Stories of his courage will ring through the ages and let us never forget the name Lazerfist.

R.I.P. Admiral Lazerfist,

 The Stars Will Miss Their Favorite Son