My Beef With Hogwarts

Hogwarts is everyone's dream school. J.K. Rowlings Harry Potter Series exploded as a result of this this. What's not to love you say? What could be wrong with a school full of magic wielding youth? Plenty.

The sorting hat looks like a mix
between Ooogie Boogie and doody

So, where to start? How about the schools love of gang relations. The very first thing the school of witchcraft and wizardry does for its students is establish caste between the four houses. The cool kids get Gryffindor, the nerds get Ravenclaw, the bullies and outright evil kids get Slytherin and of course the useless and poor kids get plopped into the most lame of houses, good ol’ Hufflepuff. ( Lookin' to you Mr. Diggory) These four houses seemably arrange the kids to live and coexist with like minded students, Hogwarts employs the time tested musty talking hat method to get this task done. Not only does the sorting hat decide your fate for the next seven years with its creepy mind probe, it has the cruelty to tease you and whisper in your ear before bellowing its decision like it did with Harry. After you’re comfortably in your gang, you get the joy of playing the most hazardous and violent of games imaginable, Quiditch.

            Quidditch has to be the scariest sport known to man, or wizards in this case. High up in the air children are forced to fly at breakneck speeds, chasing balls around the field. My first problem with the sport comes with the beater. The name alone should say enough. What’s the purpose of the beater, to cause the most bodily harm possible? He gets the joy of of knocking opponents off their brooms with the bludger, another one of Rowlings joy inspiring creations. Now if players can avoid falling to their deaths at the hands of the beater they are able to score points with the quaffle. But wait! No matter how many points you score with the quaffle the seeker always catches the snitch and wins the game! Ooops did I say the seeker I meant Gryffndor, they are the cool kids remember, and if life teaches us anything its that the cool kids always win. Gryffndor seemingly wins the house cup every year, the only house that comes close is Slytherin in a clash of good versus evil. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff get to have the ever intense battle for third, but let’s be honest Huffepuff ain’t winning anytime soon (Sorry dead Cedric, your house sucks remember).

In this case Snitches really
do get Stitches

Now I come to my next point, the absolutely piss poor attempts at protecting and controlling the students of Hogwarts. Hogwarts itself is a massive castle, full of secret corridors and lofty towers, not to mention a three headed dog, the giant man eating snake, the pack of ghosts and a forest full of spiders and grouchy centaurs. Nighttime at Hogwarts must be a nightmare knowing that the only thing keeping the kids locked up is a sad excuse for a wizard and his mangy cat. Kids at Hogwarts must fill the huge amount of vacant rooms in the castle, doing god knows what (cough). Rowling wrote about kids making out in the hallways of the school, but I gurantee the teenage pregnancy statistics for the school are off the charts, then again magical contraception must be top notch. The only question being, who casts protego and on what private part. The drug game at Hogwarts must be insane. Muggle drugs are crazy, one can only imagine what horrifying hallucinations wizard drugs induce. Sure, Fred and George sold candy and fireworks; they probably saw more drug money than Ginny met boys for a romp in the room of requirement (she was the resident floozy until Harry tamed the beast). Hogwarts is easily comparable to your average ghetto, gang violence, drug trafficking, and a high rate of teen moms, basically a nice place to live.

Good night sweet prince

Hogwarts is amazingly well created in the series, only an amazing writer like Rowling could create a vivid and enticing place like Hogwarts for the story to take place. If the school were real however, it would be an insurance and lawsuit nightmare. That my good friends is why I have beef with Hogwarts. I could go on and on, but no one likes to read a 57 page thesis.


 (R.I.P. Cedric Diggory you are the shining example of your house’s failures).